Oh, man.
Y ou know, Monique...
I've never said this to a girl before, but...
Oh, baby, you all that and a bag of chips!
Oh, Will, am I?
Hey, I'm lying, I'm dying, you know what I'm saying?
Oh, Will.
Hey, babe, I got to tell you, whatever it is that you serving...
y ou better give me a double!
I was just playing.
Y ou know how I be joking. I be joking.
I wasn't being straight up with you.
But I will now.
Monique, I care about you, baby.
I care about you so much.
I couldn't trust myself...
to express my real feelings.
- Hey. - Hey, Will.
Man, something smells good.
Oh, wait, that's me.
Hey, y'all, check it out.
I just tried on that new Michael Jackson cologne down at the mall.
I don't smell anything.
Oh, that's funny. It's a lot lighter than it was when I put it on.
What are you doing wearing cologne anyway? Y ou never wear cologne.
He wants to smell good for Monique.
They have a big date tonight.
Y eah. Well, I figured, you know, y'all gonna be out the house and...
my man, G, here has the night off.
I figure Monique will come over, we'll go up to my room and...
six or seven hours later, we'll come back down again, you know what I'm saying?
Y ou don't know what I'm saying.
Well, guys...
what do you think of my new dress? Doesn't make me look too big, does it?
No?
Hilary, what do you think, honey?
Well, you know how I'm always borrowing your things?
Well, you don't have to worry about this one.
- Hi, sweetheart. - Hello, dear!
- Hi. - Oh, what a day.
If you guys don't mind it, I'm going to skip dinner...
and clear up some paperwork.
Philip, remember we're going to go out to dinner?
Y eah, remember?
Y eah, of course, I remember. I've been looking forward to it all day.
So, where are we going?
To the restaurant. Le...
Chez...
Mc...
All right, Vivian, I forgot.
I don't believe it. Fine. We might as well just stay home.
Vivian.
Philip, forget it. I don't want to go out if you don't want to.
What about what I want?
I mean, what about my needs?
Here you are, madam.
I'm guessing they're not for me.
I haven't put out in years.
Oh, Philip, they're beautiful.
Let me.
"I'm looking forward to dinner tonight...
"with the most beautiful woman in the world."
I love you.
Oh, Philip, you were teasing me.
- I love you, too. - Y es.
- Okay, let me just go freshen up. - Okay, baby. Love you.
Uncle Phil, Trevor sent these flowers. They're for Hilary.
Not anymore.
Uncle Phil, you lied to your woman.
My man, give it up top.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall..."
Jean-Claude Van... Damn, I'm fine.
Miss Monique is here to see you.
- What's up, baby? - Hi, honey.
Oh, if you need me, I'll be dodging winos at the bus station.
Y ou know, my father would kill me if he knew I was out with a boy tonight.
I told him I was going to church.
The Lord is good.
Why don't you come on over here, sit down, relax a little bit.
Okay.
Boy, you are pretty slick, Will Smith.
And I ain't even oiled up yet, you know?
I think I should tell you, nothing turns me on more than a sense of humor.
Really?
Maybe you'd like to go upstairs and I could do my stand-up.
Now, why waste time going upstairs?
See, this way whenever you pass the couch, you'll think of me.
Maybe I could get some memories of you in the kitchen and the Jacuzzi, too.
Watch yourself, girl.
Mama knows, child.
Baby, what you doing?
Will, I can't do this.
I better go.
Baby, what's the problem?
Y ou really turn me on.
What's the problem?
I don't know, Will. I really thought that I could handle all this...
but I can't, so we better stop.
Baby, some things just ain't that easy to stop.
I know, and it isn't that easy for me either...
but, Will, I want you.
But I guess deep down inside I'm just an old-fashioned girl.
I want to be married before I go all the way.
Y ou understand, don't you?
Look, Monique, I'd love to talk, but there ain't no blood in my brain.
Will. It's only 7:00. What are you doing up?
Look here, I've been up for hours, man.
I swam like 20 laps in the pool...
went down shot some hoops, jogged around the track a half dozen times.
I waxed your car for you, too.
No nookie last night?
Man, no nookie, no nothing, man.
Look, see, I don't understand, man.
She was here, everything was lovely and perfect...
then all of a sudden, she wasn't with it no more. I don't get it.
Will, you just don't understand women.
When it comes to matters of the heart, you can't rush things.
Give a girl time, she'll come around.
Really? How long do you usually give them?
Let's see, a week from Friday, it will be 18 years.
- Morning, boys. - Hey, good morning, Uncle Phil.
- Good morning, Dad. - Good morning, son.
Hey, look, Uncle Phil, check it out.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Do you have to?
Come on, Uncle Phil, this is serious, man.
I need to talk to you about...
- cars. - Cars, you...
Oh, cars!
Y eah, well, I guess it is about time...
that you and I started talking about...
- cars. - Cars.
Oh, God, this car isn't in trouble, is it?
Oh, no.
Never been off the lot as far as I can tell.
Look, Will, driving is serious business.
Well, these days you got to think about safety.
Y ou never want to go for a ride in a car without your seat belt.
And use your brakes.
Don't floor it because...
then you throw a rod, you flood your carburetor, you crack your block.
Y ou understand what I'm saying?
No, man.
No sex before marriage.
- Come on, Uncle Phil, this is the '90s, man. - Take a cold shower.
I've been doing that since the '80s. It don't work no more.
Look, Will, I know I'm talking to teenage hormones from hell...
but if you care about this young lady, you don't want to do anything...
to damage the relationship.
And intimacy requires a real commitment.
Uncle Phil, I'm saying, Uncle Phil.
We both mens here, you know? We got ugly needs.
Will, you're a grown man. I can't watch you all the time.
I'm just going to have to rely on you to do the right thing.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...
to unite this couple in holy matrimony.
And by the powers invested into me...
and for the republic in which it stands...
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Get busy.
Will, I'm so happy. I can't believe we did this.
Me, neither. Come on, let's go, baby.
Father, Father. Chill, all right?
Look, baby, I'm...
I need to take care of the Reverend, all right?
Okay, honey, I'm going to go warm up the car.
Hey. This is God's crib.
Take that in the street where it belongs.
We better get out of here, my brother.
Any minute now that minister's going to realize his house ain't on fire.
I don't believe this, Jazz, man, together we are invincible.
Granted, my brother, we're good, but people can still see us.
Baby, here we go.
Over the threshold.
Oh, look at this, a chair...
a nice drawer.
Oh, but look what's over here, a bed.
Honey, wait. Slow it down.
This is our wedding night.
I know, I know, but...
we only got 18 hours left before checkout.
These damn buttons. Y ou got some scissors, girl?
Will, please, now, come on. Just give me a minute, okay?
I want to put something special on for you.
And I promise it'll be worth the wait.
Trust me.
Hey.
I'm ready.
Do you like it?
Wow!
I love it.
- All right, now, take it off. - Oh, honey.
Will, we're married.
I am so happy...
and I'm going to make you happy, too.
Okey doke.
Girl, be gentle.
Honey, I meant for the rest of our lives.
I'm going to be a good wife, Will...
because I believe in the sanctity of marriage. Don't you?
Y eah, come on, baby, let's get naked.
This thing open from the back or the front?
Oh, Will.
There's something I want to give to you.
What a coincidence 'cause there's something I want to give you, too.
This.
It belonged to my great grandfather. Now I want you to have it.
- Thanks, a little box. - Y ou didn't even open it, silly.
Here.
My great grandmother gave it to him on their wedding night.
And Grandma gave it to Grampy and Mama gave it to Daddy...
and now I'm giving it to you.
My parents are going to kill me when they find out what we've done, but...
But I don't care.
Will, I'm proud that you're part of my family now...
because you're decent and honest.
Baby, I trust you.
And I know you will love me and cherish me as long as we both shall live.
Now, take me.
Oh, damn!
All right, all right, look, check it out.
Look here.
I'll be right back, baby.
- Where are you going? - I mean, look...
you gave me Grampy's watch and everything, and I ain't got nothing for you.
So I got to go get you something.
Sorry, Grampy.
Y ou know, my child, I've never known the pleasures of the flesh...
but I could be convinced to give up the priesthood for you.
Y ou know, my child, I've never known the pleasures of the flesh...
but I could be convinced to give up...
Excuse me, Father, could I rap to you for a second.
Don't go away baby. Bartender, another Olde English for the lady.
It's a fashion risk, but I like it.
Jazz, sit down.
Look, I can't believe I let you talk me into this, man. I feel awful.
Will, a naked, willing female is in your room.
Stop me when I get to the awful part.
I don't have a right to treat her like this, man. She's a human being.
Well, that's enough.
Now, get a bottle of whiskey, liquor that girl up...
and take advantage of her. Be a man for God's sake.
Jazz, I'm sorry, man, I can't. I've got to tell her the truth.
Maybe you're right.
Perhaps we've both been a little remiss in our treatment of women.
Y ou think?
Y eah. Y ou inspire me, Prince.
From now on...
I, too, will be completely honest in my dealings with the fair sex.
My man.
Y ou know, my child, I've never known the pleasures of the flesh...
but I could be convinced to give up the priesthood for you.
Honey, where have you...
Monique, this is going to be hard enough as it is...
so please just let me do the talking.
I know you respect honesty in a man, so I'm going to be honest.
Monique, I just wanted to get you into bed...
so I tricked you.
The whole ceremony was a fake...
and we're not really married.
Monique, look, I'm sorry...
and I know what I did was wrong. And, Monique, I really care about you.
I'm sorry.
Monique...
the room is paid for and everything, so why don't, you know...
I was just hoping that maybe since...
So, could you just come get me, Uncle Phil?
Y our Mercedes?
Oh, well, yeah. No.
See, actually, yeah. I did borrow it.
Well, but, you know, it's not here right now.
Well, to be honest, my wife took it.
All I could overhear were the words Mercedes, wife, and Monique...
and then Dad ran out of the house.
Well, I think it's obvious what happened.
Will and Monique stole a Mercedes, and ran over somebody's wife.
Carlton, that's ridiculous.
Obviously, Will has been seeing a woman named Mercedes, Monique found out...
and I'm still working on the wife part.
Well, I think Will married Monique just to get her into bed...
and when she found out, she got so mad she took off in Dad's Mercedes.
Get real!
I still can't believe that you could do something so despicable.
I mean, marrying Monique just to get her in bed?
Even I don't believe it.
I can't imagine what kind of excuse you could come up with.
Do you have anything to say in your own defense?
Nothing.
It's shameful, Uncle Phil. I mean, here you are...
busting your hump trying to impart values...
and teach basic human decency...
and I turn around and do some mess like this.
I just don't get it, Will.
I mean...
what is going on in that head of yours?
I don't know, Uncle Phil.
I'm out of control. Please stop me before I disobey again.
Don't you ever stop to think...
before you do these disgusting things?
Of course, I do, Uncle Phil. Do you think I like being the way I am?
I'm a victim.
I'm a victim of my imagination.
Help me.
Well...
all right, since you put it that way.
I'm not going to punish you, Will.
Y ou know, that's radical, Uncle Phil, but it just might work.
I'm not going to punish you today...
maybe not even tomorrow.
Y ou see, I need to think a long, long time...
about just what I'm going to do with you.
I don't know, it might come to me in the middle of the night...
or maybe next week, or a few years from now.
In the meantime, why don't you worry about it?
Be afraid, Will.
Be very afraid.
I've got it.
Will!
I want to put something special on for you.
And I promise it'll be worth the wait.
Trust me.
/ got that effect on women, you know.